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5 weeks old

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Ya you heard me. I’m exhausted, exhausted of pumping and everything breast feeding. Don’t get me wrong, the bond of having the baby latch to ya tit is unbeatable, there is something about that.

But what I am exhausted about is the rock hard tits if I don’t pump in time, the fear that if I don’t pump immediately I will get mastitis again, having to charge my pumps, having to clean my pumps, wanting to use my medical plug in pump but if I use that then I’m ’locked into the matrix’ as me and Frank like to call it.

I’m exhausted of leaking at a store and then going to the car to pump it off but realizing that I left the bottle part at home. I’m exhausted of having to do both. I’m exhausted of feeling guilty that I am doing both. I’m exhausted of thinking about it all the time. I’m exhausted of hating on my right tit when it’s just out here trying.

But then when I think about oh I’m just trying my best I’m doing all I can, am I? I don’t think so, I could be doing power pumping I could be doing the method of breast then bottle then pump. But like holy fuck, I don’t want my life to revolve around my tits. At this point I honestly think about tits more than a pubescent boy.

Tbh I hate all of this, I would love to do just formula, but I feel guilty, I’m scared of just stopping breast feeding because of the mastitis, I’m scared to even bring it up because god forbid I formula feed a baby. And yes blah blah a feed baby is best blah blah or whatever the saying is, they are right when they say it but it fckkn sound condescending. I know people are saying it to be there and be empathetic and yes they are right, I just don’t know if there is a right thing to say to me. I’m hard on myself and always will be and idk how to honestly make this feeling and thoughts of breastfeeding any better.

I wish I was a lot of things. And tbh I feel like a hybrid car – the shittest aspects of both an electric and gas car and I’m locked into a lease.

Don’t ask me what I’m gonna do next, because idk, will I just keep cruising? absolutely. will I keep spiraling? Absolutely.

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