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Will I have enough milk? Will I produce milk? What will happen to my nipples? What will it taste like? Why am I so dedicated to it? Why am I so emotionally attached? Should I get colostrum while pregnant? What pump should I get? Will I even like breastfeeding?

Once again, another series of questions. Another rabbit hole of anxieties unlocked.

I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but I didn’t realize just how mentally and physically straining it could be. In the hospital I had lactation consultants, nurses, and pediatricians teach me how to get her to latch and various positions to test out. While yes, she would finally latch after minutes which felt like years with her crying what wasn’t discussed was how I could make this time a little bit easier on the both of us.

I guess it was partially my fault for not researching and doing my own diligence but I thought it wouldn’t be as much work to breastfeed. I thought it would be nbd!!! Just put babys mouth by tit and go on with your day. lol no. Not me and my baby at least, I have preferences, she has preferences, and there are some things out of my control. For instance, my nipple size, too small for her to latch easily, lol WDYM. So I had to get a plastic nipple guard for her to latch to increase my nipple sizes and. Let me tell you, I hate that damn nipple guard. It made me feel inadequate.

Another way breastfeeding out of my control is that I can’t just tell my tits to start making it rain with breastmilk. It takes time, time that also seems to crawl by. Time that will test you patience and perseverance.

To put it in perspective, below is how much milk I produced via a pump:

Day 3: 13 ml

Day 4: 29 ml

Day 5: 108 ml

VS. how much a bay is supposed to have:

Day 3: 300–400 mL/day

Day 4: 400–600 mL/day

Day 5: 500–700 mL/day

What I can see is that it is exponentially increasing but I was NOWHERE near producing enough to feed her – which I was under the impression I was.

So what have a learned going into day 6. I learned that I will get there, I learned that I should focus more on feeding the baby rather than what it is I’m feeding the baby. I learned a good routine that works for both me and baby. I learned that formula tastes like corn flakes and my milk tastes like sweet cream. I learned it’s okay to pump and measure the supply the first bit so you can quantifiably know how much you need to supplement. I learned that even though you think you got it under control and know what to expect, to schedule those additional lactation meeting because what’s the worst that could happen?? I learned to get into a routine and keep to it because it will work out and everything will fit into place.

-Jess

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